Penulis: ez's

that night, something in me shifted— not a crash, not a breakdown, just a quiet ache that didn’t go away.

she told me she loved me the most, and for a long time, i believed it.

every call, every late-ningt talk, every “i’m here for you” felt real— until it wasn’t.

when the truth came out, nothing exploded, it just went silent.

the same hands that used to hold me were holding someone else, and i didn’t even know what to feel anymore.

i tried reaching out that night, hoping someone could pull me back from that heavy space in my head.

but nothing helped— not words, not tears, not even the pills i took just to make it stop for a while.

after that, i stopped trying to start over.

it’s not that i hate love— i just don’t trust it the same way anymore.

because if someone who once swore they’d never hurt me, could lie that easily, then maybe love was never what i thought it was.

sometimes she still crosses my mind, not as someone i miss, but as a reminder— that even people who once made you feel safe can be the reason you never feel that way again.

and maybe that’s what stays—

not the anger,

not even the pain,

but the quiet fact that i still don’t know how to hate her.

i wish it were you, a. give me a sign..

i can see you…

Do you believe in the invisible red string? because i actually do.

What if that person you bumped into at thr store is actually ur future? Or the person who photobombed one of your group pictures? Or that one person you are always so pissed off?

I always wondering who would be my soulmate; whether or not i have met them already. But on the other side, i always wish it were you. I always thought of our future, even if i knew it would be as impossible as a cold day in hell.

But, what if you are actually my endgame? What if we will meet again after so many years?

If fate doesn’t let you be my future, then i’ll wish to stay in the past whereib we were almost something.

Hi, how’s life? I miss you. It has been hard to write lately, I have been running away from emotions but, I miss you so much. I think the only time I can truly feel you is in these pages so I always come back here. I love you, I hope you don’t get sick of hearing me say it again and again. I love you consciously but at times, this love slips out of me without even realizing; I think of you and in a blink it is spilled everywhere, all around me. Do you see the love that exudes through the cracks of my soul, the love that is meant to be yours, the love that has always been yours? I can’t help but love you; I am defenseless against this (I wouldn’t fight it anyway, I am willing victim). I’ll let this love flow, let it exist inside of me as long as it wants, as long as it needs, as long as you will let it. Still, this act os delibate, it is on purpose, I love you because I want to, I love you because I choose to, I love you because I can. Every single day I am learning to love you more. Loving you fes like coming home, and I have been stranded for far too long. I miss loving you loudly. Do you miss it too? I guess you don’t.

you wouldn’t believe me, but i never wanted to miss you like this, my longing for you overpowered everything in me, until reality had to let go of me; dreams have now become my only safe place to chase my desire to see you.

how could i tell you? i wrote songs for you, and my friends praised them, unaware of how my skin was being consumed by sadness and loneliness.

how could i tell you? the thoughts of you haunted me so aggressively that i even made friends with doctors and several painkillers to help me sleep at night.

i never wanted this, but i miss you, i still do, and i always will. and that’s where it hurts the most

Jangan mati, jangan dulu lari dilahap tumpukan bumi, kumohon jangan dulu pergi.

Jangan mati, nanti abangmu ini bukanlah lagi orang yang akrab kamu kenali, nanti abangmu ini tidak lagi memasak telur mata sapi setiap pagi, nanti tidak ada lagi sapaan hangat atau uap susu coklat panas di pagi hari. Bahkan lusa abangmu mungkin akan bungkam sembari memandang kamarmu yang sudah rapih. Akan banyak yang berputar dan menjadi-jadi kalau kamu pergi, banyak yang akan berubah kalau kamu tidak lagi di sini.

Tolong jangan dulu mati, nanti ayahmu yang sangat kamu kenali tidak pernah sedih dan letih sepanjang hidupnya di bumi itu untuk pertama kalinya ia akan menangis, terkikis melihatmu terbaring damai di atas peti. Mungkin sehari setelah kamu pergi tembakaunya yang rutin ia hisap perhari takkan ia hiraukan lagi, takkan ada lagi lintingan itu terlukis indah pada jemari akibat jasad anaknya dijemput sang ilahi.

Ayahmu nanar menatap lubang terisi peti telah tertimpa tanah hening nan pedih, sampai waktu yang tiada henti.

Toples susu coklat yang selalu diisi kembali seminggu sekali akan bertambah menjadi diisi tiga minggu lamanya karena tidak ada lagi kamu yang menyeduh susu di pagi hari, rak sepatu akan tertata apik dan bersih perihal tidak ada sepatumu yang biasa ditarik asal setiap pagi. Kasir pasar swalayan tidak lagi melihatmu membeli onigiri isi teri dan selalu tersisa satu sampai hari esoknya lagi. Penjual nasi goreng langgananmu harus terbiasa tidak menerima sapaan pada jam sembilan malam nanti karena kamu tidak lagi membeli seporsi, begitu juga pada kucing di pinggirnya mati kelaparan karena kamu tak lagi menyisihkan ayam untuk dibagi.

Jangan pergi adalah permohonan paling gagal di dunia ini. Gagal untuk memaksamu tinggal dan gagal untuk meminta tidak ditinggalkan. Maka pergi adalah kata yang paling menyedihkan di dunia ini, karena pergi artinya kamu tidak akan kembali.

Kalau kamu lari, kalau kamu mati, dunia tidak akan sama lagi.

Sekali lagi,

tolong jangan dulu mati, jangan dulu pergi dari sini.

Aku pernah mencintai sepi. Menarik nafas tenang dalam kesendirian. Menari riang dalam keheningan. Hingga akhirnya ia datang membawa heningku pergi. Sampai aku terbiasa dengan suara berisik, dan mulai mencintainya.

Tapi ternyata riuhnya tidak ditakdirkan untuk bertahan lama, heningku kembali datang. Sayangnya, kali ini aku membencinya. Aku mulai membenci keheningan, aku benci sepi, aku benci sendirian. Bagaimana caranya untuk kembali mencintai sepi?

Di antara banyaknya waktu yang sudah terlewati, sayang sekali tidak pernah ada aku dan kamu di dalamnya.

Tapi tak apa. Kita pernah bersama namun mungkin waktu lupa menangkapnya. Jadi, kita tidak bisa abadi di dalamnya. Tidak pernah dan tidak akan.

Boleh ya, kalau kali ini aku menyalahkan waktu? Karena tidak adil rasanya kalau harus melempar salah satu sama lain.

Tak mau juga aku mengutuk takdir. Karena mungkin harapanku dan kamu pernah ter-ijabah. Namun lagi-lagi, tidak dengan waktunya.

Entahlah, ucapan sampai jumpa atau selamat tinggal yang tepat kali ini. Biarlah waktu yang ambil kendali. Aku berpasrah saja. Dan kamu, jalan lagi saja.

1.
in particular, I don’t like mentioning you because that means I have to remember how awfully stupid and immature I was (still am, though).

but you were my ground zero, and the romances in my stories became oh so tragically romantic because of you, so maybe I should thank you for that.

2.
you are my dearest what-ifs, and honestly, no allegories will do you justice, but this is all I had:

you are an isotope long past its half-life, but you remain in that small space within my heart, fading away in a negative exponential rate, never totally gone.

and I put a small adoration for your existence in every fictional romance I’ve written so far, a manifestation of every longing that burns me whenever you share a song that you like because, stars, I can’t help but yearning for a moment with you just once and another once and another once.

but then I remember that you’ve implicitly given me this much; and that’s okay, I’ll cherish every crumble.

3.
it was so short, but you were once important to me, and you made me realize that I always, and will always, fell for kindness.

forgive me for loving you when I was still a broken soul.

4.
you taught me so many things and revealed to me so many things and despite me crushing every hidden blooming flower during those times, I do acknowledge that my current attitude towards people was cemented by our conversations.

thank you for understanding me.

5.
you were not a flower, you were a forest.

at some point, I remember giving such a precious tagline because the entire note and the rest of the pile were totally written for one being and it’s you–who knows that you’ll break my heart at the end of the month?

but hey, that’s okay, because the three weeks we spent together was never a waste, and you are still the greatest teacher that ensures me I could love oh so wholefully and still get mad over mundane mistakes and still fall deeper over simple things.

upon all these bittersweet moments I hold dear in my arms, i hope u forgive.

I’ve always wondered how it feels to fall for a kindred spirit, an anima, and suddenly you appeared before my very eyes, a charming chaos, a Hansel who crosses a lake along with a simple duck, carrying various movie recommendations and calming playlists and late-night musing and oh, oh, oh! is this what ‘thrill’ feels like?

7.
reflecting back to those simple times, I can’t help but claim once more: you were a wish come true.

I’m sorry for half-lying; I told you that I never in love with someone when in fact I was in love with you too, and let me tell you the real truth: you look so charming.

8.
Please accept this apology for being too cocky; I thought love grows in baby steps, but a couple epochs later I realized that I’ve forgotten to plant the seeds and it hurts us both.

the scar hasn’t fully healed yet, but I need to thank you for letting me go.

6.
this is how I picture you now: a harbor right beside a sunny beach, where the sound of waves lulls you to sweet slumber and you’ll wake up feeling wonderful (because that is what you always are, a wonderful existence, a soothing salve).

this time I want to apologize for intruding once more despite the goodbyes we have conveyed to each other, but my wish upon you still the same: that the world recognizes your greatness, that they know how precious you are.

no second passed without feeling like crossing a sea of sharks on a tightrope, and claiming that I’m content with the current will be a huge lie, and yet I still want to say that I’m happy with this feeling.

maybe it’s because I just adore you so much.

—
to a**n, the lovely girl in my life,
sorry for loving the imperfect imaginary version of you.

—ez, regards